I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
no you cant smoke seaweed
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
