How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
