stop calling my apartment porn island.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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