im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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