I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
