i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
