Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
