Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
