Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
