I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
