he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
