If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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