I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I need to sanitize my soul.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
