I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Randomize
