his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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