Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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