At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
