Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
