Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
