omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
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you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.