Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
