If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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