We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
