Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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