So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
