Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
