She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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