it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
