I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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