so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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