if i can run in heels then i can drive
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
