Need sex. Gaining weight.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
