I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
