woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
