So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
