why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
