Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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