I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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