The maid of honor just puked.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
