Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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