i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
