And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
