I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
