Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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