Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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