I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
