After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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