That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
