Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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