I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
