It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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