just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
