I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
