So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
