My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
