woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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