i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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