My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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