i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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