there were more penises there than on chat roulette
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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