He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
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I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
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Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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