in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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