i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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